All the chores of the day are done, and one more weekend is gone. I picked up little Kamala from the ex this evening (after her weekend at dad's), and got her settled from the transition. Some heart-rending sobs on why bike riding can't be mastered in one go, followed by all the pent-up questions of the day, and she is finally asleep. I watch her little face in the darkness, and mentally make a list of everything that needs to be done to prepare for the week. Time to sleep now - long day ahead tomorrow.
Sleep eludes me. The stirrings I've been feeling for the last few days keep coming up. Why can't I sleep? Why these sudden, strange longings of the soul? The soul.....ha! I've always had one. I've been a responsible citizen, a decent parent, religious in my own way, a caring daughter. I love the man in my life dearly....with all the similarities in our lives, we've wondered if we'd met in another life (as corny as THAT sounds now). Isn't all this soulful enough?? Sheesh, I'm confused now. Seems like I've stuffed myself in compartments and something is yearning to escape. I feel restless.
Time for some music. "Kabhie kabhie", my favorite. I hum along " tujhe zameen pe bulaya gaya hai mere liye...". Can some person "be born" for the sake of another person? Do such things exist??
I remember joking many years ago, as an undergrad, that I have several hearts - a HUGE one for the man in my life, and several little ones for many, many others. In smalltown Tamil Nadu, it got the shock value I wanted. Now I think maybe I was subconsciously telling the truth.....The little ones are for those that touch one's life in rare, unexpected moments, bringing joy for years afterwards. Several, fleeting innocent moments that one never recognizes at the time, but preserves in one's mind years later.
The mango-seller in Coimbatore who would insist that I be his first customer. Apparently, the fruits were sell-outs after I bought. If I didn't buy them, I must at least touch them :). And so this went on. God knows how many people he told that story to, but I think of him fondly. He recognized me years later, when I visited the town, bless his heart. The typist in Malleswaram who would squeeze in late hours to type out my stories, saying "some day, these will get published. You don't worry". While I waited I got to hear about his wife and children, and how he enjoyed his work late into his seventies. He insisted I call him "Lakshmi", short for Lakshminarayanan. "You know, even at this age, I'm a very romantic guy - I can relate 100% to your stories".
Several people who crossed my path like this. The bus driver in the US operating my university's bus line. She would wait for me as I crossed the street - "Lady, I'll wait and drop you off at the university. A pregnant woman shouldn't run on such a cold day - the road is icy!". I spent Thanksgiving with her family, at her insistence. "Lady, you shouldn't be alone at a time like this". Whatever did I do to deserve such kindness? Wonderful people exist everywhere.......I loved and love them all.
Someone used to joke that if all those I befriended stood in a line, it would stretch from Indiana to Illinois and beyond. I never understood why this was so weird to them. There is so much to know, to learn and marvel about in this world. Why walk away from all this beauty?
In my third year of undergrad, a group of us went over to a friend's village for a few days. After exploring fields, rivers and village markets all day long, it was time to sleep. Eight of us friends, men and women, decided to stretch out in the terrace and fall asleep under the open sky. All except two of us - G and I - fell asleep. G is one of my dearest friends. We have an instinctive connection that resumes whenever I call him, no matter how many years have passed. We sat there on the low parapet wall, and talked late into the night about Vivekananda. At one point, I stretched and looked up. There were a million stars in the sky. "G, look!".
We sat in companionable silence afterwards. A gentle breeze swept past us, as we sat there waiting for the first light of dawn.
Should there be "love" to connect souls together? What are soulmates? Could it be that souls are really pieces of a big puzzle? Perhaps we fit with several pieces at various points - even if we decide to be with the "one true soulmate". I don't know........ But, that innocent night under the stars with G means so much to me. More than the nights of passion I've spent with any man..... G is a friend, I've never thought of him in any other way.
Do I have a soul? Probably. Is there a soulmate for me? God knows. But I'd like to be that breeze that swept past G and me that night - lingering, knowing everyone in its path. Maybe that is the essence of my soul.
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