I've often read about footprints in the sand. The story where God, and faith, carry us through troubled times.
God is helping me through this, my father would say, when he could still talk in the hospital. Except for the cancer, the rest of my body is ok. God is taking care of me.
Despite every kind of physical agony he went through, he would say this. He said this with amazing calmness. He was serene when we finally told him, ever so gently, that he may only have a few days left. On the doctor's advice, we prepared his soul to let go. He heard and accepted it with his characteristic courage. There was a grace in his life - and a grace in his death.
In this time of grief, I have to hold onto faith. The hold is tenuous, as if it would slip away unawares. Some days I ask myself - what is faith? And where is that faith?
***
Often, I wonder about love. Love seems like a highly overrated four-letter word. What is love, when I could stand and watch helplessly the person I so loved slipping away?
The word love was rarely mentioned between us. It was a redundancy. We had a sixth sense about each other. Appa could reassure me with a mere hand on my shoulder - no word exchanged. Sometimes, even words were redundant.
Today I cannot watch a movie that features a father and a daughter with that palpable bond. The weight of memories is oppressive. But I hold on to them, as painful as they are. And cherish those innocent days when I was so protected, nurtured and taught.
The innocence of the young girl isn't there now, and I can't say how well I have learned. Appa lived by the Ramayana, swore by the Bhagavad Gita. He lived a life that exemplified those principles - as a parent, son, brother, husband, friend, an employer/employee and a citizen. Priyamvada the young rebel learned parts of those texts, not all. Mostly condensed versions - too impatient, you see! Argued endlessly, in half-baked youthfulness. Yet for all my faults, he understood and accepted me.
Today I will go back and read those sacred texts, and try to see what he saw. Maybe this time I will see the light and gain some wisdom...... And see the utter futility of some arguments.
***
I have heard about life being Maya and the soul being immortal. Its a theory that may sink in with time. Right now, everything sounds like a platitude.
A few lines, such as these**, make sense:
In the world's broad field of battle,
In the bivouac of Life,
Be not like dumb, driven cattle!
Be a hero in the strife!
Trust no Future, howe'er pleasant!
Let the dead Past bury its dead!
Act, -- act in the living Present!
Heart within, and God o'er head!
Lives of great men all remind us
We can make our lives sublime,
And, departing, leave behind us
Footsteps on the sands of time: --
Footsteps, that perhaps another,
Sailing o'er life's solemn main,
A forlorn and shipwrecked brother,
Seeing, shall take heart again
Right now my footsteps are shaky, but maybe I will take a leaf out of his book one day and find my courage back. Truth and courage, he would say, are what will protect you, when times are rough.
One day my footsteps will be steady and I will know my path. Treasured memories and sacred texts are what I am left with - my guiding tools. And in my dark moments, when I search for wisdom, I hope the appropriate passage or memory comes to me.
----
** From "A Psalm of Life", by H.W.Longfellow. Full text is here
21 comments:
Dear Priyamvada,
This is really odd.
My name is Priamvatha, and my father passed away a couple of years ago because of cancer. When I read your words, and stare at your name - I feel like they mirror mine. It is like an alternate universe - I have never met someone else who shared my name albeit spelt differently.
I know it is hard - but I promise you it gets better. Eventually you learn to breathe again and the tug in your heart when you think of him won't hurt as bad. I was my dad's favourite. Even now, when I meet new people and they ask about my parents - I cannot bring myself to say that I don't have a father.
There will be people who tell you that they know how you feel - but unless they battled cancer AND lost their father - look them in the eye and tell them they don't. I KNOW how you feel.
Seek solace in God.
PB
its never gonna be easy - one day ull feel ok u'll think im ok now and one spark of memory and u could be reduced to tears
i say ur dad was right - hope is a beautiful thing - it is what we have - sometimes passings are meant to strengthen us - its just another path we never predicted to take - be glad u had time to spend with him and it wasnt sudden - the cruelest deaths are the sudden ones - u never have time to let go
take care time will heal but the memories will always be with you
Dear Pria,
I was amazed to read your account. Thank you for those words of understanding. It means a lot to hear from someone who has been there, and knows what that loss and pain are. You are so right about feeling as though one cannot breathe.
I am seeking solace in God - definitely. May God bless you, and your family. It is a tough loss.
Priya.
Dear Visithra,
Thank you for your words of comfort. True, there are lots of ups and downs. Right now the grief is very fresh.
The sudden deaths are indeed cruel. I have thought about that. At least in my case I could be with him in his last days.
Thank you,
Priya.
err offtopic - in reply to ur qs
SOmnathpu is near mysore srirangapattinam, karnataka
i do understand what u are going thru now first few montsh ar tough. u feel taht any moment he might come back. i ahd saved his clothes his socks and shoes that he last wore. the scent of his body would bring abck memory to me. but ahd to pack it and keep it off as it would be very hard for my mom to liev with those things.
Hope you have a bright future hope you meet right people at right time who can guide you like your dad. cry out if you want to talk to frnds if you want to write,sing ,pray, but don't keep the pain in herat over long run it might urn u out
Dear Visithra,
Thanks for the info.
Enigma,
Welcome! I can relate to your saving your father's belongings. I too have brought with me some of his things as keepsakes. I can totally understand how the scent of a loved one is comforting. Somehow one is never really prepared for a loss like this :(.
Thanks for the comforting words.
Priya.
Hi Priya,
I have always admired you for your courage and being such a wonderful person...
I have always found solace in god too...
vi
Priya, please don't think me as crazy for this, but I think God blessed you. How can that be?
You have the memory of a father who, in the face of death, was as graceful as he had always been in life. To me, that signifies a type of purity that I myself, and many others can only hope for.
Yet, you were able to live in the presence of this strength and purity for years. Your Dad planted some seeds of his strength and purity in you. And you may have seen or felt it before, but now those seeds are in accelerated growth.
And it hurts so damn much, but the tears will water your seeds Priya, and eventually everyday becomes a little easier.
It is just waiting for that eventually that is the hard part. I'm still waiting for my eventually, I don't know when or even if it will ever come, this is where that faith in God comes in. Some days, I too question- what is faith, and why isn't it doing more for me, am I doing enough for it? You're right about feeling that faith can slip away unawares, but I think there is much more danger in not seeking faith at all than in questioning it.
Some days, the only thing you can have faith in- is getting a bill in the mail, on those days, I feel that God does not expect me to worry about how it will be paid, but to find some comfort in the fact that I had faith it would come. If you can't see the big picture, you have to take it pixel by pixel right? eh
It's little by little, but little by little one goes far.
It does get better Priya, I don't know if time heals all pain, but it does dull it some, and just like the first commenter said, you'll feel yourself breathing once again.
Hang in there.
Dear vi,
Thanks for the kind words. Faith does help many times, doesn't it?
Take care,
Priya.
Dear willowtree,
You are so right - all these days, along with the sadness, also came a feeling of being extremely blessed. It seems that I have had the rare privilege to observe such a wonderful human being at close quarters for several years. I hope I have imbibed a few of his qualities, much as a thread that wraps itself around a jasmine strand, also imbibes some of the fragrance.
I admire your courage, and the faith you have that helps you. I have also liked your depth, and the ability to see the funny and the positive no matter what. You take care, and God bless.
Priya.
Hi Priyamvada,
Its really nice to know you have gained loads of courage and accepted the things as such....
You are a wonderful women and you are there to make more miracles...
Dont loose heart and ur dad's memories are always there to give you comfort!
God Bless you, dear !
Hugs
God bless u
Hello Priyamanaval,
I been a silent reader for a long while now, and I like the way your write, your capability to hold the reader and amount of emotional depth your posts carry !
I really liked your down memory lane posts :-) Infact, am inspired to do one on my own !
I'll be back :-)
ratish.
Dear Gladtomeetin,
Thank you for your kind words. I am still working on gaining courage. As of now there is a numb feeling, which I believe is nature's way of protecting us in the short term.
Dear Shankari,
Thanks for being there. Hugs back.
Dear Ashok,
Welcome. And thanks for your words of comfort.
Dear alwayz! (Ratish),
Welcome, and thank you for the support.
Priya.
hey Priya,
checked ur post after a long time.. had no idea that this had happened...am all teary-eyed and out of words right now..
I have a friend who lost his dad to cancer about a year ago..I'm numbed by his pain even today, so often.. can't even imagine what it must be like for him to actually go thru all this..the same way, I can't even begin to fathom the depth of ur pain..
take care of urself,
enig
Dear Enigma,
Thanks for the support. I remember reading your post on your friend's father.
Glad to see that your blog is back (couldn't access it for sometime).
Priya.
Hi Priyamvada,
I was very very touched to read your post.
I lost my father to Cancer in February 6th, 2006. And I intensely know and feel your pain. My father took the news of his Cancer very stoically and the verdict that "It is there everywhere, in your lungs, kidney, stomach etc;". His expression did not even change when he heard that and he did not wince either. He calmly told us that he did not want any treatment for the disease.
I was with him at his bedside along with other family members, when the doctor announced that "He is sinking"....We watched helplessly as the doctor removed the oxygen mask and camly said "When the soul is leaving, let it go in peace, do not try to pull it back".....then, it was all over....we watched it leave his once intelligent mind, his sensitive heart and his strong body forever.....
My father had scribbled these immortal lines of Adi Shankaracharya's in his diary the day he heard the news of his terminal illness.
Translated in English
"Accept whatever comes your way,
Let go of whatever goes away from you,
It is futile to be joyous or to grieve,
Brahma's orders cannot be reversed."
Let us hope that time will heal our wounds one day.
Take care.
Dear Gayathri,
Thanks for stopping by. Its amazing how similar our fathers are/were. I dropped a comment in your blog.
Priya.
Hi Priya,
Thanks so much for your kind words. Yes, our father's were very alike. I have thanked you with a detailed note in my blog.
Let us hope their strength and wisdom will guide us in the unpredictable journey of life. Take care and wish you all the evry best in your life. Btw, you are right - we all get most expressive and eloguent when in grief.
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