Lost and found

Went shopping this weekend. Decided that my work clothes needed an upgrade, and splurged on some elegant clothing.

It was a hot 90 degree plus day. Was unpleasantly surprised to discover, as I was pulling out of the parking lot, that I no longer had my sunglasses with me. I must've forgotten them in one of the fitting rooms....

The sunglass itself wasn't an expensive one. But it was one of the first gifts from Mr.P, bought on the spur of the moment when he saw sand get into my eyes on a beach. It was a windy day, with lots of blowing, drifting sand. He had walked me to a shop, and rejecting my choices, picked out a pair of glasses I wasn't too thrilled about.

"Not my style, Mr.P" I had protested. "What am I, a pirate? Ugh."

Mr.P merely held the glasses in his hand, and said

"Look at this carefully - this shields your eyes from the front and from the side.....And that means your eyes are fully protected. And that's what we want!"

Indeed. I hadn't thought of that.

"Besides, it looks good on you!" He had added, with a smile.

Call me a sucker, but that sold it for me. Which woman wouldn't want to look good for her man :)?

I was now mad that I'd lost those sunglasses....Bad enough that I was missing Mr.P, now I had to go and lose those glasses. Ugh.

After circling the departmental store twice, checking all the fitting rooms I visited, and even some I hadn't, and asking several assistants, I was directed to Customer Service. The store was so big, I twice lost my way to the Customer Service desk. Finally I found it, walked over to report the loss and leave a callback number.

But the moment I mentioned sunglasses, they pulled out a pair

"Are these yours?"

Indeed, they were. Overjoyed, I went back and thanked all the assistants I'd earlier asked, and reported that I'd found them.

Mr.P laughed when I mentioned it to him. "You spent 30 minutes searching for a $10 pair of sunglasses? My goodness!"

Well, Mr.P - its not about the $10, you know.

*-*-*-*

Kamala came home last evening after visiting her dad. He'd asked for an extra evening, as he was moving back to India for the next few months, and possibly permanently depending on how things go there.

He dropped her off along with all her clothes and toys. Gave her a hug to say goodbye, and surprise, waved a goodbye to me as well.

I had known about this move for the last few days, had mixed feelings about it. He was the reason for my coming to the US. I had no aspirations of leaving India, though I wanted to get a higher degree. But this was what he wanted many years ago, and I had followed him. I would've followed him anywhere. And now he's leaving - possibly for good. And for the first time in many years, oceans will separate our homes.

He was the first man I loved....the one man to whom I'd have said an emphatic "Yes!", had he ever asked if I would follow him to the ends of the earth.

Today if a man asks me that, my answer would at best be "Maybe". I may follow you if I will still be able to support myself, and my daughter. If I can still fulfil my dreams. As long as I can be my own person. As long as.... Well, there will be a lot of "as long as..." clauses added.

But that's life. That innocence and sense of absolute certainty are forever lost. But we gain other things in return. Caution. Planning. Wisdom. Self-protection. Its a trade.

This morning as I was getting ready for work, I thought about the ex catching his plane back to India. My fingers rummaged through the jewel box I had - that held my meager, mostly costume jewelry. I picked out a pair of blue topaz earrings, to match my shirt - and realized it was the only jewelry gift that the ex had given me. I had never asked for anything from him, ever.....This was bought many years ago, when we were jewelry shopping for his sister's wedding. He had seen me admiring these earrings, and bought them on impulse.

I took the earrings out carefully and put them on, thinking he must be getting ready to fly now.

*-*-*-*

In the middle of the workday, I pushed back my hair and realized - one of the earrings had fallen off somewhere. I looked around my desk, but couldn't find it. I knew the back of one of the earrings was loose, but I'd never lost the earring so far. I considered that some kind of a legacy of our marriage - something that endured the destruction.

Dang! I should've gone to a jeweler and fixed the back. Could've easily gotten a new back - it was one of those teeny fasteners. All these days I didn't do it. And now I've lost an earring. Heck, I lost a part of my past....

I went back all the way to the cafeteria where I'd heated my lunch. Not there. Retraced my steps, looking everywhere. Nothing.

Went back to the lobby, thinking it might have fallen off as I entered the building and put on my badge. Not there either. Left a complaint with the security, with a description of the earring. Hope I get lucky and someone leaves it with security.

Came back to my desk. Mind was not at ease.....We had come to this country together - and now, like me, my earring too is solo. Why should it matter to me?! I don't love the man anymore, right? Right?!

Right. But I don't hate him....its complicated. We had a past, we have a child together. Many years ago, I felt something for him that I would never again feel for another man. He's not a friend - but not an enemy either.....

In this short span of life, why should I have enemies? He is a living, breathing, feeling human being like me. I wish him luck, and happiness with his new wife - a happiness we could never have. Perhaps a kind of karmic pull brought us together, and a similar force pulled us painfully apart, a decade later. In a sense, he is my karmic comrade. My comrade-in-pain.

My heart ached. Why today, of all days - should I lose the earring? Priyamvada, this is not a signal. Quit thinking in corny ways! But I can't help it.

Maybe this is for the best. If this was indeed a signal, then in the same symbolic way, let me take the remaining earring and make a ring out of it.....Take the past and convert it into a positive experience. Make a whole - out of the half that remains...... Isn't that what real survivors do?

My mind is still not at peace, but I decide that if this is it, I'll accept it.

*-*-*-*

I finally find my other earring, an hour later. Its in a little nook beneath my chair's swivel. The back is still missing, but I'll get another one from the jeweler.

I wrap both earrings carefully and with a sigh of relief, put the pair in my bag. Now all's well with the past - and the present.