Silence

Finally got some free time last night. Carved out some time. Hurt my back a few weeks ago, trying to carry Kamala around everywhere. The child was down with an ear infection as soon as she returned from India, and to top that the medication was causing her to throw up.

So the sick, nauseous kid who hadn't seen her mother in 6 weeks clung to me like there was no tomorrow. Called me every minute to know where I was. And her calls of Amma! were more than music to my ears. The void in my heart left by her long absence is only now beginning to heal.

But my back has taken the brunt of it. Carrying a seven year old - even for a few days - is not easy. And healing from its after-effects hasn't been easy either. So two weeks later, my back alternates between feeling better one day, and buckling under some new strain on another.

I'm getting used to solo parenting on a new scale - taking over some of her father's roles. We "study" together for tests, work on homework, and then squeeze time out of each hardpressed day for a few games of Uno. On the weekends, I've been inviting friends over, and cooking elaborate meals to make it worth their visit - just to distract Kamala. No sleeping in on the weekend...These days, I keep going. I tell myself that I've to absorb some of the shock she is going through, of missing the other parent....I'm older and far stronger than her. I have to do whatever it takes to keep her world secure, to make her feel loved, protected.

Last night, the child suddenly wept for her dad. Had a talk with her, told her some stories, called up my dad and had him speak to her, and finally called Mr.P - who calmed her down with a story of a monkey and its antics in Disneyland. Then carried her to bed, read her a chapter of the children's novel we've been reading together, and patted her as she tossed and turned - and finally fell asleep, an hour past her bedtime.

Went to lie in my own bed - and...the lower back flared up again. Ughhh...All along I had prided myself on my flexibility, thanks to my almost religious adherence to a fitness routine. Now both the routine and the fitness have bitten the dust.

One of the annoying things about being single is not having someone to give you a much-needed massage when you're sore. Took some pain medication, and by that time I was too wide awake to go back to sleep.

Decided to cook something for the next day's lunch. It was 10:30 pm, late for a morning person, but.....might as well do something useful. I finally had some time to myself, might as well make the most of it. Called up a dear friend in a different timezone. Felt good that he too, was cooking. We spoke to each other as we cooked.

Later, I sat down and read a book for 10 minutes, which was surprisingly refreshing. The book wasn't that great - but what I really savored was the 10 minutes of silence. A silence that was golden, peaceful, and calming. A silence which lets one be and makes no demands.... a silence that is much like a friend. Just as underrated, but just as necessary.

* * * *

Decided to give silence its share of my time today. Shut off the radio/CD player and drove to work in silence this morning. Watched as I drove, the slowly brightening sun climbing higher into the sky....At his own pace. Thought of the friend who had cooked along with me, long-distance....and reflected on the joys of friendship. Found my thoughts drifting to the friend, how soothing his voice sounded in my ear, and just - how nice it was to do something because I wanted to, not because I had to.

Felt my spirit lift, and rise into that sky - ready to begin a new day.