The wait for a sibling

One of the dreams that perished along with my marriage, was the one of giving a sibling to my daughter. Having raised Kamala almost single-handedly since birth, and after coping with her initial months at daycare when she fell sick week after week, I didn't think I could go through that again. The thought of being in a strange new town, cradling a phone in one hand, and a vomiting 2 year old in the other at 3 'o clock in the morning is something that haunts me still. Despite all that, for a few years after the divorce, some part of me continued to hope. Maybe some day, I thought, with the right man...maybe I'll have one more.

But not anymore. After much brooding, I've made peace with the one-child scenario. After all, I reasoned, there are many women who have difficulty having even one child. I should be grateful. And uncomplaining.

But Kamala continues to hope.....It started when she was about three, and decided she wanted a sibling. One day I found her in the prayer room, with folded hands, eyes closed, praying fervently:

"Dear God, please give me a baby. Please dear God - I'll be really good. Please!"

She saw me at the doorway, and explained thus:

"Didn't you pray to God and get me, Amma? So I am going to get one by praying as well!"

I was struck speechless.... Our simple explanations of complex matters come back to haunt us when we least expect it.

"This is a little more complicated, child."

"Why?"

"Why are you praying for a baby, Kamala?"

"Because I asked you to, and you didn't. So at least let me pray and get one!"

I was amused, and touched by her innocence and earnestness. "Why do you want a baby, child?"

"Because the baby can play with me and be home with me everyday, that's why!"

"Who will change its diapers?"

"You"

and she had merrily traipsed off.

*-*-*

In the years that followed, she has offered to change every single diaper of the 'new' baby should one arrive, but her amma hasn't budged. Amma has given her an 'upgraded' explanation about where babies come from. The explanation being - one has to be married and jointly pray to God with the husband, to get a baby. And amma has said that since she is not married, she cannot have a baby, period.

This still hasn't stopped Kamala's intense desire for a sibling. One evening, when we got home, she refused to get down from the car.

"Amma - all my classmates have a brother or sister" she wailed. "Why can't I?"
"Kamala...please, get down from the car and we'll discuss this at home, okay?"

She stays put.

"I want a brother or sister now!" - the pout comes out.

Sigh.....Patience route is the best when she gets like this. I try to reason with her.

"Kamala....you can't get a kid instantly, child. It takes nine months"

She gets out of the car and her face is full of hope, as we proceed to our apartment.

"So in nine months I can get one?"
"No dear - I'm not married, remember? I told you!"

She plonks down on the stairs in protest.

"Amma...I've been telling you and telling you all these months. Get married, get married. But you're not getting married! AAAAaaaugh!"

and begins to cry. Intensely aware of how public this place is, I look around to see if anyone has witnessed this. Thankfully none.

Somehow drag her home, and pacify her with some snacks and milk.

*-*-*

What tugs at my heart is the look of intense longing on her face, when she hears of someone having a baby.

A couple of months ago, I took her to visit one of my best friends in another town. She was going to have a second child, and invited us to spend the weekend with her. Some of her friends had organized a baby shower, and we were to witness it the following day. As my friend and I caught up with each other's lives, her four year old Shyama and Kamala had a great time playing together.

The next day, Kamala watched the baby shower with intense curiosity as it unfolded. There was a table with lots of good food - homecooked by many people. Flowers and balloons everywhere, and gifts laid out on a separate table. Kids running around, adults relaxing.

At the end of dinner, a beautiful white cake was brought out. It was decorated with pink roses, and bore the words

"Congratulations, Big Sister Shyama"

Shyama beamed with pride as she was asked to cut the cake. Kamala, who offered to cut it too, was politely sent back. Her face crumpled, and she whispered to me:

"Amma, you see - I'll never get to be a big sister! Never!" as her eyes filled with tears.

My friend who was watching all this, generously offered to let Kamala cut the cake with Shyama. But Kamala shook her head. No, she was too proud for that. She let Shyama cut the cake all by herself, and accepted a piece with a weak smile. Played with the children as if nothing had happened for the rest of the evening.

And wept in my arms that night.

*-*-*

Last week, my brother's wife gave birth to a son. When my mother called with news of the birth, Kamala was not at home. She is part of a dance class that was off rehearsing for a recital that Saturday. I was supposed to pick her up at lunchtime.

There were still a couple of hours left, so I went grocery shopping. When Kamala came home and got done with lunch, I gave her the news. Then invited her over to the coffee table.

On it stood a small chocolate cake. It said:

Congratulations, Big Sister Kamala

The child blushed, and gave me a shy smile.

"Am I really a big sister, amma?"
"Yes, you are"

A smile, but still some doubt.

"But this is uncle B's baby - not yours...."
"Kamala, that's not the point. He's family, isn't he?"
"Yes..."
"And he's going to call you Big Sister, isn't he? I mean, you are his only sister"
"But he may have another sister"
"Not a big sister. He can have a little sister but not a big one. See - you are a Big Sister after all!"

The child beamed at the new title and cut the cake. Then suddenly, she said

"You know what amma? I am Raina's big sister too - she is my friend, but she doesn't have a big sister either. And I'm bigger than her...And Maya's, and Bindu's...."

I watched her face transform and radiate as she rattled off the names of children younger than her, children without siblings....That's right, my child. The world is much bigger. What's a mere sibling when you can embrace - the whole world? Just do it!