Lunch counter romance

I'm a romantic. A die-hard idealistic dreamer, who despite bitter realities - holds on to the belief that the world is essentially good, and that there is someone for everyone. Given a glass of wine, and the right mood, and the right man, I can transform myself into a female equivalent of Omar Khayyam and write sonnets on love....This has been my perception for many, many years.

Today I wonder what the heck I was thinking. In a day dictated by the clock, the alarm's shrill cry pierces my awareness none-too-gently. One more day with too little sleep. The child flies into a rage because I corrected how she spelt a word, and refuses to eat breakfast. She kicks and screams at my pleading. The food lies on the table untouched - and she has gone to school hungry. I wonder how many words she spelt right in her test today, and hope she will not pass out before the lunch hour. Some lessons have to be learned the hard way.

Spirited child and intense mother - we have the good days and the dark days. The good days are when she is cooperative, all smiles and sunshine, when I think God has given me an abundance of all. Then come the dark days when I wonder if I'm a worthy person, or even fit to be a mother. Piles of work at home, bills to pay, food to cook, dance lessons I need to make my child practice. In between come lectures on behavior to her interspersed with her "why?" or "I don't care!", and mental lectures to myself to be patient and not react when she flies into a rage.

Perhaps dealing with anger - with people who fly into a rage and yet have trouble expressing why they are angry - is my lesson for this lifetime. Maybe God had wanted me to be a mindreader all along. First with the father, now with our child. With the father I lived each day holding my breath; trying to avoid upsetting him for even the smallest thing...and failing. I'm not going that route with the daughter. So what do I do?

With all this, romance is at an all-time low. Female Omar Khayyam - ha, who am I kidding here? I find myself hesitating to call or write to Mr.P, not even finding the energy for pleasantries. What does one do when all one wants is to curl up, pull a blanket over one's head and never come out? I want to ask God how the heck do I handle all this? what is my lesson here dear God, and what are you trying to teach me? These days, God is the only person I can open my heart to, admit my inadequacies, and find comfort in. Everyone else I see seems to expect, evaluate, judge....even my own mind has a constant scoreboard.

Today's score:
Work - 8/10
Motherhood - 0/10

Average: 40%, barely passing grade. Not good enough.

How do I banish this mood? Deep breath..... Priyamvada, you are blessed - and must remember that. Cannot get bogged down by day-to-day things. Be positive - there are people in the world who have no food to eat, or clothes to wear....God has given you so much. So you have no right to be in this bad mood.

Mood refuses to budge. Now comes the new scoreboard with:

Today's score: Romance - -1/10 (whoa! a negative score)
Positivity - 0/10

Average - 7/40 - great, 18%. Failing grade.

Truth is, I feel like a lunch counter. Pending orders to deliver: appropriate mix of love and discipline to child, a livable home, work schedules to be met on time, super-duper romance to long starved man. I'm putting up a sign:

"Back in 10 minutes"

No energy for any more orders.