Being kind to all - ourselves included!

A few months ago, I came across a letter in a "Dear Abby" column that has stayed with me. Apparently the previous week a woman - let's call her Eve - had written about her 13 year old daughter. Eve's daughter had gone to a friend's place and the friend's uncle kept saying mean things to her, calling her a bad girl, saying she's no good - and so forth, and all this laughingly. Eve had asked Abby how to help her daughter deal with such taunts and Abby had given a generic answer.

In the "current" issue I was reading, one of Abby's readers had responded to Eve's letter. She cautioned Abby and her readers, that this is no ordinary taunt. In fact, this is one of a child abuser's classic lines! Apparently, the man would keep putting the girl down as if in jest, and the girl in trying to be nice - becomes an innocent pawn in his hands - just to be labeled good. The writer had said that she had been abused as a child in this way, and recognizing this pattern just in time, had stopped such an abuse of her daughter! In her letter, she cautioned Eve's daughter to stay away from the man. And hoped that the man's children, and nieces (including the daughter's friend) were safe.

Passing on that bit of caution to other parents!

*-*-*-*

That is an extreme situation. But in general, I wonder if the fairer sex is called that because we are often fairer to others, than to our own selves. At a very early age, girls try to be 'good', pleasing and nice - and this builds up to the point where we neglect our own needs.....and wake up much, much later and realize our mistake...that being good is not limited to others, we've to also be good to ourselves!

Last night, was trying to pass on this bit to a weepy Kamala, as she sobbed in my arms. Apparently this uber-curious kid in her class had repeatedly asked K about why the latter's parents are divorced, despite poor K saying she didn't know why and didn't care. This kid, Z, kept insisting

"But I'm your good friend! And you have to tell me".

Kamala had then told Z that she didn't know the answer, and to stop asking her. She told Z that the question upset her. But Z had persisted, which had upset Kamala. I asked Kamala to tell Z next time, that it isn't Z's problem.

"But Z says that as a good friend she should know." (sob)

"Then tell her that good friends don't upset each other"

"Knowing is of no use to her, right Amma? Then why is she going on asking? (sob) Then if I don't tell her she says she won't be my friend anymore.....Z always does this!"

"Then Z is being mean, Kamala.....people who have to have their way all the time, are being unfair. And it is better not to have a friend who doesn't care how you feel"

She looks up, and the sobbing resumes.

"If Z isn't my friend, my best friend A, who of late wants to be wherever Z is, will stop playing with me and stop being my friend too....You see, amma? I will have no friends! A used to always follow me, but of late she keeps saying Z, Z for everything!" (more sobs)

"Its ok kanna - if A stops being your friend, that's her problem. We don't need friends who hurt us. It is far better to have no friends."

"But I'll have no one to play with!"
"What about J or M?"
"They are boys, amma"
"But they play with you"
"Fine. But I want girl friends"
"It doesn't matter, ok? People who are nice to us are our friends - doesn't matter if they're boys or girls"
"So what should I tell Z?"
"Tell her its not her problem, and to quit bothering you! Then change the subject."
"But telling her that is not kind, Amma! And you said we should be kind, remember?"

Aaaaaaagh! A feeling of deja vu here.....lots and lots of memories of trying to be kind and good, to everyone else - until the long-overdue wisdom kicked in. Kamala won't have to go through this, if I can help it. The help starts now.

"kanna, being kind also means being kind to ourselves. Ok? Never do something that is unkind or unfair to yourself, just to please someone. Always ask in your heart two questions

1. Am I being kind to others?
2. Am I also being kind and fair to myself?

Always"

I pause, as she takes it all in.

"And never do something unpleasant just to gain someone's friendship. Never. Such people don't care about you, and are not your real friends. If you're confused about what's kind or fair, come talk to me or your dad. We are here to help. Ok?"

She ponders this.

"So I just say Its not your problem?"
"Right. Let's practice"

So we role-played for a while.

Me (the bad friend): You should tell me this...
Kamala: Its not your problem.
Bad friend: If you don't tell me, I won't be your friend anymore
Kamala: That's your problem!

(Thanks, Heartcrossings and Peppy for the latter one! :)

Kamala: Amma, will I remember all this? What if they ask something else?
Me: We'll practice over the weekend, ok? I'll be the meanie and you get to say all this cool stuff!
Kamala (smiling): Ok

Down with the meanies, and the bullies! :) Feel free to share your experiences/strategies.