The High Road (= Being Left High and Dry?)

I remember liking the song Coward of the County in my twenties. Especially these lines:

"Promise me son not to do the things I've done;
Walk away from trouble if you can.
Now it dont mean you're weak if you turn the other cheek.
I hope youre old enough to understand:
Son, you dont have to fight to be a man."

Of late, this bit of wisdom gives one pause. You want to believe it, but have trouble holding on to this conviction. You take the high road - trying not to stoop to certain levels. You hope - and reason with yourself - that this is the only way for a clear conscience and long-term peace, that it will pay off in the end.

In the short term, it doesn't seem to. Like Tommy, who exercised extreme control on his emotions, one gets mistaken for a coward. People goad you and try to push you over the limit. With such people, turning the other cheek means getting slapped twice. Drawing the line in such situations is the hardest thing to do.

*-*-*
The ex pushed me to take action when I could no longer stand his bullying and threats, and talking reasonably wouldn't work. Where there is no respect there is nothing. One cannot reason with someone who understands he is unreasonable and still wants to stick to his ways no matter what the cost.

"I have every right to treat you the way I want"

Of course, I had the right to not have to be around it, and exercised that right. I have no regrets on that decision. But I have tried to be civil, and fair.

Till today, for the sake of my child, I have swallowed my pride on several occasions. Would dutifully take her to classes he enrolled her in, if they fell on my time with her. Would readily switch days/weekends, if he couldn't be around for his visitation.

Of course, there was/is no reciprocation. I have tried asking, demanding even, but that ends up with my child getting directly or indirectly punished. I have stopped expecting it in the interest of my child. I don't want her to feel torn in between. And, as a cousin says "If he was the kind who reciprocated your gestures, why would you divorce him?"

But parenting is different - we have to, at some level, cooperate as parents. Sometimes immaturity and pigheadedness strikes there as well, and leaves me stumped.

*-*-*

Long holiday visitations would invariably end up in a big load of unfinished homework on return. I need to struggle with her to get it done. This after having a conversation with him beforehand on pending tests/homework.

A confidential conversation - where I took him into trust and asked to look into Kamala's schoolwork as her quiz grades seemed to slip - got divulged to the child. She comes back with an aghast expression "Daddy said you told him my grades were bad - Amma, I didn't get bad grades in all except two worksheets. How COULD you!!?"

I cannot believe he would treat her like a peer and tell her our confidential conversations. Why is it so hard to get even that basic maturity? Regardless of what we feel for each other, isn't it important that we present a united front in front of the child? How many co-parenting married/divorced couples do that?

*-*-*
End result is I feel stupid. I feel like lashing out but my own sense of decency stops me. I don't want to get down and have a fight - I don't want to give him the satisfaction of having provoked me. I have politely but firmly told him I was going to hang up, and done so - when he got disrespectful over the phone. I have calmly looked him in the eye when he has glared in anger, and walked away with my head held high - not an easy task after years of catering to his moods.

I have allowed my child to talk to ex-in-laws, in spite of what some of them had done to worsen the situation when my marriage was collapsing. Despite the fact that the ex himself hasn't bothered to talk to them in the last couple of years.

*-*-*
Long ago, I had read a story by Sri Ramakrishna Paramahamsa about a snake. The snake lived in a forest, and was notorious for inflicting bites on harmless folk who passed through his area. People were terrified of him.

Once, when a saint passed by the forest, the snake came out - and found himself mesmerized by the saint's radiance. The saint advised him to give up his violent ways.

From then on, the snake became very docile. He would not react even when anyone came too close to his snakepit. He would stay quiet even when accidentally trampled. Slowly, people became bolder. Some even threw rocks at him, and he managed to escape with some bruises.

The saint, when he passed by the forest again, found the snake to be much thinner, battered and bruised. When he enquired why, the snake told him the tale of woe and abuse after the snake's transformation.

"But why didn't you protect yourself?" asked the saint.
"Because you told me not to bite", replied the snake.
"I told you not to bite, but when did I tell you not to hiss?" retorted the saint.

From then on, the snake learned his lesson. He successfully drove off potential abusers by hissing.

*-*-*
The snake has an inbuilt hiss. As for humans, we have to figure out a way to retain our dignity while still taking the high road.