Parents need mentors

I was reading the comments on an article in CNN about the Nebraska Safe Haven law. One of the comments said "I love my child...what kind of parent would leave a child and go?"

The comment I read is the typical response of an inexperienced parent - or someone who has not much concept about raising children beyond: "I love kids. They are cute!".

Many of the parents who left the children in the care of the state, did so not out of a lack of love. Some of the teenagers were too unruly, and out of control. The parents, with no support, and often having to work multiple jobs in this economy to survive, chose to leave the child with the state, rather than come home and deal with tough situations that they had no energy to handle. Their desperation had reached such a high level.

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While abandoning a child is extreme, parenting has gotten increasingly tough these days. Time is scarce, competition is tough, and support systems are breaking down.

My parents, as children, grew up in large extended families. There were uncles, aunts and cousins - and grandparents to help. Children had plenty of company in the form of siblings and cousins, and learned to share. They learned to accept that they may not get everything they want. They learned religious and moral concepts from elders. They learned that life is not always fair.

If a parent was indisposed, there were plenty of other adults who could help. If a parent was not well-rounded and was lacking in some aspects, other adults stepped in. Men were the providers and women kept house. Competition wasn't much - if someone didn't study well enough to provide, other brothers took up that load, so nobody went hungry. People led simpler lives. Family ties bound people, even though some might have felt them to be stifling.

My generation largely grew up in nuclear families. Men were still largely the providers, and women kept house. We grew up among siblings and learned to share. But some of the people-skills that came naturally to my parents' generation, was missing. Their generation, having grown up in extended families - knew how to pick battles, how to handle several different types of people and get things done without ruffling feathers, how to accept less than what they wanted and still be at peace, and how to not sweat some stuff. Sometimes distant relatives would come home and camp there for several months - my parents' generation could handle all that without any feelings of loss of privacy. They were pretty much used to people trooping in and out of their homes, and distant cousins weren't as distant as they are now.

My generation lost some of that; parents and siblings were all we dealt with. We were able to share some, but not with everyone. If relatives stayed on for months together, we felt the loss of privacy. We weren't as tolerant of people and their idiosyncracies as the previous generation. We were perhaps not as wise in picking battles. Our parents coped, nonetheless. With one resident parent, the children grew up without being rushed. There was still ample time for most things. And, in India there is outside help that is available relatively inexpensively - along with good access to public transport. Competition began to heat up, and we had to study hard to get into college.

One generation later - both men and women are working. There are some families headed by single parents, like mine. Some of us have moved far into countries like the US, where outside help is expensive or non-existent. Extended family support has dwindled, and one parent has to manage both parenting and providing. This parent is not perfect, but has to cope somehow. Competition has become intense, which means the pressure on the parent to make the child excel, is intense also. In most middle class families, having at least one after-school activity is the norm, and we drive children back and forth on the weekends.

As years go by, and children go to higher classes, the quantum of homework increases. A parent picks up the child after work, comes home, puts dinner on the table, then helps child with homework and school projects, enforces discipline, ensures child goes to bed at a certain time....and falls asleep around that same time. This parent is pretty much responsible for everything from child care to keeping track of bills, taking care of house repairs, protecting the family in all ways possible, and providing moral and cultural lessons.

If the child is spirited and strong-willed, there are going to be battles to enforce house rules. Economic woes and money worries add to this cocktail. If a parent has to work multiple jobs, there is still less time with the child, and more disciplinary issues. No wonder so many parents are overwhelmed.

Without understanding this dynamic, it is easy to label a parent and say they don't care. Many of them do, and don't know how to cope if the situation gets desperate.

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Last week found me exhausted. Battles with Kamala - on homeworks, projects, getting ready for school - were taking their toll. Energy level was low, and I had just recovered from a back injury that had limited my movements for a few days. I found myself overwhelmed, and thinking about boarding schools.

My child has her endearing moments, but has no concept of time. When she is in a rebellious mood, it takes all my energy to deal with her. There were multiple things to handle this week - house repairs, car repairs, and urgent matters at work. I found myself rushing from one point to another, on edge and snapping at people; ending up with headaches at the end of the day. Seeing no light at the end of the tunnel; feeling inadequate and completely unequal to the task. At one particular point, I found myself sobbing. It was demoralizing.

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I decided to pour out my feelings to a women's Yahoo group that I subscribe to. This is a set of women writers I have known over a period of time, some of whom are parents. I got some useful advice. One of them said to be a bit detached with the kid, and not do so much. Another said not to take Kamala's outbursts personally - that she has only had 10 years to work on her time-and-stress management skills, and I should remember that; even many adults cannot handle time or stress correctly, and Kamala is only a child.

The best advice came from my friend R, who has known both Kamala and me over the years.

"Take yourself out of the equation", he said. "Tell Kamala that from now on, she needs to tell you when to leave for school, and you both will leave then. Tell her that if she's late, she will be pulled up by the teacher, and not you. So she has to take responsibility. You just set the alarm for her to wake up, put breakfast on the table, and watch the news."

I told him about our struggles with house rules, and her stressing out when there are school projects.

"Don't let that get to you. Tell yourself, 'I will not be hurt no matter what my child says. I am immune from her words - she is merely a child, and I am the adult'. If you lose it, everything goes down the drain, and the evening goes down the tubes as well. So it is important for you not to lose it."

This advice has helped me. I find myself more relaxed, putting responsibility where it rightfully belongs, and above all, not getting stressed when she overreacts about something. Kamala is a strong-willed, persistent and intense child - and to handle her intensity, I have to keep my own intense nature in check. She is struggling with some concepts as part of growing up, and I should not take those personally. If I manage to keep my cool, I can calm her down without getting worked up.

Ah....it seems like some light bulb has been switched on in my head. Thanks, R. And thanks, you wonderful friends from the e-mail group (you know who you are).

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Such perspective I could not get from my own mother. My mother hadn't had much mothering herself (my grandmother was bedridden when my mother was growing up). I realize now that she herself had grappled with motherhood. When we were young, she would plead with us to do things. The pleading worked with me; it didn't work with my siblings.

Most people only have their parents' styles to base their parenting on - their effectiveness depends on the child. I have consciously borrowed from my father's style. But I have also unconsciously borrowed from my mother. I alternated between laying down the law and pleading. I realize now that this is a very inconsistent strategy. Results were obtained, but at a very high cost to personal energy.

What I urgently needed was a mentor.....and I am glad I had friends who stepped up to the plate and provided much-needed solace, advice and help. My friend R even gave me a coping strategy....None of this would have happened if I had not reached out for help that day.

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No parent is perfect - or even complete. We need support systems. Parents need helpers, partners, friends, support groups, and sometimes mentors - to show us where our strategy can be honed to be more effective.

This is a touchy topic; most of us want to be seen as effective parents. We do not want to be judged as someone unable to cope with our own children.....And God forbid, we do not want our children to be judged either. We want to be seen as efficient and good managers. We want our children to be seen as bright, shining individuals.

But there are times when we are overwhelmed. There is no shame in asking for help. No parent can know it all. The bottomline on child-rearing hasn't changed over the years: it still takes a village to raise a child.