I was down all of yesterday. Today, too. Hurts when decency is met with indecency; when civility is construed as a weakness; when turning the other cheek means getting slapped over and over again. When "words of honor" are just strategic lies thrown at an unsuspecting fool, and can be reneged on later. Where such behavior is called street-smart, rather than its real name - unscrupulous. Some people are incorrigible - but what does one do if interactions with such a person are inevitable and have to be endured?
Seems to me that I'm an incorrigible optimist when it comes to human nature - stupidly optimistic, perhaps. Something in my heart seems to hope for humanity from such people in an unguarded moment - and that very moment comes back to bite me. And hits where it hurts the most. Ugh.
Called up a good friend last night - someone unrelated to the mess that used to be my life. I was angry at the world, didn't want to speak to anyone. My smiles were strained, the characteristic bubbliness was getting to be a drag. Just wanted to crawl into a hole and cry my heart out....But called this friend as I hadn't returned his calls in a while. He just said he wished he was here, so he could cook something for me and take me out. I didn't have to say much, we talked of all unrelated things. But his presence, if only at the other end of a phone line - calmed me somewhat.
Called up dear Mr.P, my man of few words. Was afraid I'd end up crying. He listened calmly. Just said "We'll get through this". We. Thanks, Mr.P. See, this is why I love you.
The pain lessened, yet refuses to go away. After a sleepless night, called up another friend this morning - a relative, but more of a friend. Someone who had been with me through my most painful years. With her I do not have to explain because she knows. All the people involved.
Heard all the details, said "Fine. What's done is done....let's see how we can prevent ourselves from getting hurt in the future". Between us we don't have to pretend - I can scream and cry if I want to. Its comforting to have someone like this. At the end of the conversation, I calmed down.
Sat down and counted all the blessings in my life. The first thought that came to me was - I'm free.
I'm free - am I not? Isn't freedom itself a blessing? I can come home and be.....myself. Just myself. Isn't this what I had yearned for all those years?
And in all my darkest moments, all those lonely years, there has been something, someone who alleviated the misery and made it bearable. Someone to say humanity exists - that love, compassion, warmth and kindness are not 'stupid'.
People who brightened my days, kept hope alive. A friend who made me laugh and forget everything, at least for a few minutes in a day. A friend who remembered my birthday and decided to surprise me.....A friend who knew I was going through hard times, yet chose to be kind and not ask any questions.
Dark moments existed, but every single time, I've felt someone, something reaching out to me. Like the sun coming up behind the dark clouds, as if to say light is not far away.
I see signs in some people's homes saying "God is love".....To me, God is friendship - and all that comes with it....kindness, laughter, compassion, forgiveness, acceptance with all flaws, an enveloping warmth. Wait a minute - isn't this what love is all about? Hmm.....maybe God is love. Except, my God is a little more detailed :).
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