Dance of the Goddess

The Goddess stepped off the mountains, lost in thought. Today seemed to be a day of strange desires. Among other things, she felt a sudden desire to come down to earth, and live like an ordinary woman....Why today of all days?

Was it exhaustion at bearing the weight of the world? Was it desire to do something different? Anyways, her mind was made up. A regular woman she was going to be, and nothing will sway her from her resolve. She found herself shrinking, her radiance diminishing - and soon, memory faded as her spirit entered a human body.

*-*-*
Shivani came home from school. It had been a long day, and her little arms were aching. Nothing had gone well today. She had left her homework at home, and had to do the whole thing over in class, while sitting in a corner by herself. And she had to write 100 times: I will remember to bring my homework to school. She had spent half of her lunch break finishing that up. To top that, one of her friends had suddenly said:

"Shivani, how come you are so dark while your mother is light-skinned? Were you adopted?"

Was she? She remembered how last year, paati (grandma) had teased her - you weren't actually born to your mother, we had adopted you! She had gone crying to her mother, and Amma had laughed it off, saying that wasn't true; that grandma just liked to tease little girls. Shivani had gone off to play then, satisfied with that answer. But now a doubt nagged her.

What if it were true? Maybe paati was telling the truth and Amma was the one who was lying. But Amma never lies...Shivani was confused. Maybe she should ask paati again.

Paati had laughed at her question. "Silly girl, did you really take that to heart? Your mother has taken after her father, and has his lovely light complexion. With her color and beauty, she had suitors queuing up to marry her.....but just her luck, she followed her heart, married this struggling violinist and got widowed at such a young age. Tch, tch! What to do? With a girl child too!"

Grandma hugged her as she said this, a tear escaping her eye.
"Only God should give her the strength to earn and raise you well....What's the use? Its all written in her fate! You don't have her color, but I hope you will have better luck!"

*-*-*
Over the years, at some point or another, they had all noticed and mentioned this to her. The gist of it was this: Amma was light-skinned and beautiful, while she herself was dark and not much to look at. The comments came in various forms, ranging from surprise at the difference in coloring, to slightly disparaging, to supposedly funny ones on how her mother needs to earn a lot to save for her dowy, for marrying off a dark-skinned girl is no easy feat. There were some heartening comments too, about Shivani's sharp features, long eyelashes, smooth skin and svelte form. But the other comments far outnumbered them. The new maid walked in one day and said laughingly:

"Ha! So this is your daughter....She is so dark Amma....you two look like Amavasai¹ and Pournami², haha!"

Amma had swiftly put the maid in her place, and sent her off to the backyard. To her credit, Amma never let such comments pass by. All colors are equal in the eyes of God, she had said. The soul has no color. It would be a dull world if everything looked the same, was colored the same. Shivani was healthy and beautiful, and with her achievements, she ought to be proud of herself. As her mother was of her.

Most of the time, Shivani believed her. Yet, in some weak moments, she felt a spurt of petulance. Easy for Amma to say 'all colors are equal', she thought. Amma herself is light and slim, and heads turn even now as she walks by. Nobody will believe I am her daughter.

As she grew into her teens, the comments hit home - stronger and stronger. Shivani drowned herself in her books. She excelled academically, and at every activity, as if to prove a point. Praise came, and in generous amounts. As did the medals. There were comments on her appearance as usual, that she brushed aside. Seemingly benign ones like: "Maybe you shouldn't let Shivani get so much into athletics. She looks even darker now...and so thin too!". The comments hurt, but her academic and sports achievements cushioned her from the barbs.

*-*-*

Shivani got admission in a leading medical college in the city - a rare feat, considering she had to battle quotas and had to be in the top 1% to even gain admission.

College and its commitments kept her busy, and sports fell by the wayside for a while. Shivani had to work hard to make an impression, and academics had come to mean everything to her. She left home and moved into the college hostel. Aside from a couple of close friends, she kept to herself. She became lackadaisical about her appearance - after all, men were intimidated by her intellect, and even otherwise, gravitated towards the light-skinned and lighter-headed women. Some of her classmates would laugh and say,

"What to do, Shivani? You may be dark but one day you will become a leading doctor. We, on the other hand, have to settle down well in life as we don't have your smarts!"

Shivani stopped caring about anything but work. With lack of care in what she ate, and single-minded pursuit of academics swallowing up sports, Shivani grew to be what they called 'pleasantly plump'. Her glossy skin became sallow, and pimply. Amma was concerned during Shivani's visits home, and took care of her needs - but that didn't do much to undo the damage. Shivani evaded all of Amma's questions, brushing them aside.

With more academic pressure and round-the-clock intern work, Shivani sought solace in food. That was the one time she could sit down and relax, and the food and its pleasant flavors gave her comfort. She couldn't voice what it was that was bothering her, she barely even felt it herself. She had dulled the pain in work, drugged it with food. She bordered on being obese at this point.

As time rolled by, marriage proposals were sought for Shivani. The horoscopes matched, but as always, men wanted "fair, slim, and beautiful" brides. It didn't matter how they themselves looked, they all wanted the same kind of woman. Heck, even the specification of the kind of woman was skin-deep - and in this market, Shivani stood no chance. She was dark, far from her svelte self, and as for her beauty - "What beauty?" - she thought bitterly.

Then one day, it happened. Shivani turned on the TV and they were telecasting the Asian Games. India's hope, Anju George was there. As she sat and cheered for Anju, Shivani's mind wandered to the days when she herself had excelled at athletics. To the races she won for her school, at how her medical college chairman had admired her sports record when she had joined. What happened to that woman?

At dinner, Shivani was unusually quiet, picking at her food. When Amma asked why, she walked away, locking herself in her room. Late in the night, unable to bear it any longer, she had sobbed in her mother's arms - "I am not good for anything, Amma!", she said. Tears overwhelmed her, streaming through her eyes, as she fought to be rational.

"I know I have just graduated with top honors, but just look at me! Men stay away from me - used to do that because I was dark, now they also look at my weight. I used to run like Anju - I could've been as good as her, but I've let all that slide by....How could I?"

Amma hugged her, and stayed quiet for a while. Then she said gently -

"Don't beat yourself up, Shivanimma! You heal everything you touch - you are a gifted budding physician. You can't be perfect in everything now, can you?"

"But you are!" Shivani had lashed out. "You have the works - looks, beauty, the perfect complexion - and are always so poised. You run the home perfectly...and are perfect at everything. Easy for you to say!! I HATE your perfection."

Amma had stared at her, stunned. Shivani broke down again.

"All my life I'd tried to be perfect, Amma. You were alone, and had a girl child, I was told. I was dark-skinned too, at that.....I tried to make it up to you"

Amma held her tight and said nothing, letting Shivani's thoughts flow undisturbed.

"I can't help my skin, Amma, but I tried to make it up to you! I'm still trying - but its like this: do one thing right, and the other one slides. I get medals in college, but my sporting medals are history......Now just LOOK at me!"

Shivani wailed and sobbed all night long, years of pent-up anguish finding its way out. Amma had held her, comforted her, sometimes cried with her.

"You were perfect as you were for me, Shivani! I did not ask for more....I had no idea you were doing all this to make it upto me, child.....Make up for what? Trust me, you don't have to do anything for me"

Amma continued as Shivani stared at her. "I supported you all along because I thought you were doing it for yourself."

The tears flowed again. "Then why the heck didn't you tell me? Why, why?!"
Amma just held her and let her cry. Then finally she said:

"Shivani - I haven't asked you to do anything for me, but I am asking you now. Be yourself, and do what makes you happy, what gives you peace, what is good for you and what is true and right!"

Shivani smiled faintly, as a thought crossed her mind.

"What if you don't like who I am?"

Amma had smiled. "I have raised you, and will love you no matter what."

Shivani thought long and hard. Be herself.....Who was she? Nothing seemed clear right now, but she will find out. First, she has to shed all this baggage - starting with the weight.

Shivani joined the numerous people who took walks along the beach each morning. Five kilometers a day was the goal - initial goal. You can do it! She told herself. The initial days were hard, but she managed. The hardship was mostly mental - she was trying to measure herself up to her old athletic self, and that wasn't working, she reasoned. I need to go easy on myself!

She felt good as days went by - lighter, and more lighthearted. She got a gym membership and a personal trainer. Why not? Her medical practice was thriving, and she could easily afford one. With years of practice in single-minded pursuit of goals, self-discipline was easy. She had more energy as days went by, and meticulous attention to what she ate brought back the sheen to her face.

Marriage proposals still kept getting turned down, and that failed to bother her as much. For the heck of it, she had bought a fleet of creams, and a skin tinting foundation in spray form. She had sprayed it on herself, and watched her skin grow lighter....much lighter. For a lark, she took a picture in a different hairstyle and outfit, and had it sent to one of the men who had rejected her. Given a false name and a cellphone number. The man had called, and spoke gushingly of her beauty, her "flawless" complexion. Asked to meet in a coffee-shop, and perhaps they could go out for dinner one day? She had just smiled and said she will call him back.

One day when she came home after a long day, having performed two Caesarean sections among other things, she took a shower. Looked into the mirror to place a bindi on her forehead, and saw a woman with smooth honey-colored skin, the bindi lighting up her forehead like a dot of fire. She examined herself liesurely, taking in the large, dark eyes framed by naturally long eyelashes. She paused as she draped her saree and stared at the woman in the mirror. A svelte, long-legged woman looked back at her, with beautiful, supple breasts and a slim waist. Her just-washed hair fell past the waist, in heavy waves. Her long, well-shaped fingers were combing through the hair now, absently looking for tangles.

Your father played the violin, and you have his beautiful musician's fingers! Where and when had she heard that? These anklets look as though they were made for your feet - shapely and dark, like Krishna's feet. Where had she heard that?

She finished draping her flame-colored saree, and went out. The sky was dark, covered with rain clouds. Dark, beautiful clouds that could quench the earth and bring fertility; dark water-laden clouds that could flood the earth and wreak havoc, if they wanted to....Dark, mysterious clouds that held forces that could make or break, at will. She smiled. At will - its all in the will....

Fascinated, she watched, as the breeze ruffled her saree.....a damp breeze that was the harbinger of rain. On impulse, she spread her hands and twirled. I must've been a peacock in my previous birth, she smiled to herself. The wind played with her hair and a few raindrops tickled her skin. She laughed, raising her face to the sky, tasting the raindrops on her tongue. Laughed, as the stars came down to adorn her eyes. Be yourself, Amma had said....

Who am I? In a flame-colored saree, the wind caressing her body, the pouring rain drenching her skin, worshipping it with the passion of a lover, Mother Earth trembling with pleasure at the touch of her dancing feet, with stars in her eyes, the five elements - the panchabhutams - throbbing alive within her, she finally found her answer....

The Goddess smiled to herself in bewilderment. So this is what Earth's Maya³ can do to you....she thought. Hmmmm...... now that she is an earthling, she has to follow Earth's small rules and conventions. Tomorrow she will send a reply to the man who had asked her out on a date. A date - with me! Ha, what was the man thinking?

Among other things, her reply will contain a package with the skin-tinting spray - the same expensive imported one. She had no need for that now. No ordinary man will do for me, she smiled to herself. A Shivani⁴ deserved none less than Shiva.
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1.Amavasai - new moon day
2.Pournami - full-moon day
3.Maya - illusion
4.Shivani - another name for Parvati, Lord Shiva's consort.